I, nature, am easy going and pretty much what you see is what you get. I’m known to speak my mind and I expect those around me to do the same. I’m not going to always agree with my friends and I know they won’t  always agree with me. However, if we have a problem I fully expect us to talk about it. So when I realized one of my friends had been avoiding me and not speaking to me I asked why. The response I got was an eye roll and a shrug of the shoulders. I smiled and kept it moving because in that moment I realized that she and I were on different courses. I’m okay with that. My life has gone on, but apparently she has let me rent space in her head. That is why I wrote the following piece.

RENTING SPACE

I have no tolerance for stupidity.When stupidity comes too close to me I ignore it. When it speaks to me usually a look will make it go away. However, today stupidity tested me and I had to shut it down. It came in the form of a young boy who thought he was a man….I say young boy because he has a bit (a lot) of maturing to do before he even makes it to the rank of young man. Lord knows I tried to impart some of my experiences on him, but he wasn’t ready to hear and he just kept talking and talking. I tried so hard to be nice, but I failed. And you know what? I’m not upset about it at all.

The first stupid thing he said was “You’re light skinned and you need to stop buying into what society says and accept who you are.” I repeated this back to him just to make sure he knew what he had said and that I had heard him correctly. ::Crickets:: At this point his friend smiled at me and simply said  ”Do whatcha gotta do.” I broke it down to him as best I could. I let him know that I have no confusion about who I am. I accept my blackness with every fiber of my being. I know the sacrifices our people made and I give thanks every day. If I bought into what society said about the black female, then I would either be a raving lunatic or a scared, skittish insecure woman. I buy into the reality of the black woman….. loving, strong, intelligent and dignified. As for me being light skinned, it’s a truth, but only black Americans seem obsessed with skin complexion. Society doesn’t see us as shades of blackness. Society sees us as Black….. period! Shut yo ass up! 

The second stupid thing he said was “I know what you’re about. I know you better than you think.” All this came after he asked the lame question  of “What’s your sign?” I said Pisces, which for some reason made him think that he knew me. He said he was an Aries. (I really didn’t care.) So, before he could say something he couldn’t take back I read him. I told him he was arrogant, didn’t really care about the feelings of others, thought he was always right, thought he was irresistible and his way was always the right way. As for knowing me, he would never have a clue to who I am. As a Pisces no one really knows me, not even my closest friends. Whatever you think you know about me is what I’ve decided to let you know about me. And if he knew me as well as he thought, then he would have known my Dad was an Aries. Shut yo ass up! 

The third and final stupid thing to spew forth from his mouth was  ”Yo, you black women have it hard. I understand why so many of you are single. There’s like 20 women to every man. Y’all have to compete for a man. If you’re overweight, then you have to take what you can get.” At this point his friend looked at him and said “Man, you say some stupid shit!” The other females at the table were speechless and I asked him to repeat what he said. And he did. So once again I had to break it down to him. I let him know that the so called male shortage was something the media had basically created. In 2010 the Department of Education released documentation that there were 1.4 million black enrolled in college around 800.000 incarcerated. As for having to compete a man….. it’s not necessary. A real man doesn’t need or want women competing for his affection and attention. He chooses who he has a connection with not who looks good on his arm. And as for being overweight, all I can say is that it has never kept my phone from ringing or being in a meaningful, monogamous relationship. As for me, I’m single because I want to be and not because I have to be.  Think before you speak on something you don’t know. Shut yo ass up!

After this conversation, he got up and avoided me for the rest of the afternoon. I wouldn’t have minded his statements if  he presented his reasonings behind them, but he couldn’t. He just repeated what he had heard and had no true understanding of what he said. Opening a dialog is great and can be very rewarding. However, all involved must be willing to listen, learn and teach.

The “BREAK-UP” was easy because I was in shock. Blindsided is more like it.

After I somewhat recovered from the words “It’s not working.” I was in the throes of hurt. I literally felt my heart was shattered and I could feel the jagged edges travelling through my body. The hurt led to constant pain. The pain made me angry because he inflicted it. This pain was caused by him. The more I thought of him and the pain the more I became consumed with anger. I can honestly say that for a brief moment I hated him. Yes I hated him and everything he represented.

I spent hours, it seemed, wishing him harm. I wished he would get hit by a big ole truck. I wished he would choke on one of those damn cigars he pretended to smoke when he and the gents went out at night. I wished that someone would hurt him more than he had hurt me. The list of ill wishes went on and on, but I was still miserable. Then one morning a question popped into my head, “How would YOU want to be treated after YOU broke up with someone?” This question haunted me all day. That night I sat down to answer it.

Admitting the truth was difficult. In all honesty I didn’t hate him. I was hurt because I wasn’t the one he wanted to spend his life. The truth was he’s a wonderful man. The truth was I’m a wonderful woman. It just so happened we weren’t each other’s wonderful. In my heart I didn’t want any harm to come to him. So when I thought how I would want to be treated I changed how I thought about him.

Each morning when I pray I ask God to be with him. Protect him. Bless him. Help him do what is right. Each night I do the same thing. Some say I’m crazy and just trying to hold on to him, but I’m not. I love him and in doing so I can only wish him the best. I haven’t seen him in years, but I still pray for him. Love never goes away it just transforms.  All I can say is “Lord, please bless him.”

The list of mental illnesses is so very long. ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Insomnia, PTSD, Panic Disorder and Schizophrenia are just a few on that list. We as a people have always treated mental illness as something to be ashamed of and hidden. There was a time when we locked our family members in a room  and isolated them in an attempt to keep people away from them and hid our secret shame. They were labelled as weird, strange, crazy, not right in the head, evil and monstrous. Some were locked away in asylums or institutions because it was for the best interest of everyone. Unfortunately, they were often forgotten and lived life away from loved ones. The issues were never diagnosed nor were they discussed.

In recent events mental health issues have found their way to the spotlight. More importantly, mental health issues in the black community have their way to the spotlight. Yet, all we’re doing is shying away from the topic instead of opening up a constructive dialog. Why are we so ashamed to discuss this? Why don’t we seek help for this? Why do we see it as a major sign of weakness to admit we suffer from mental illness? It’s time to stop treating mental illness as a dirty secret and put it out in the open so it can be treated.

I know some are shaking their heads and thinking “that’s a private matter”. That’s our problem…..it’s so private that we don’t get proper help. Let the pride go and get help. It’s not a sign of weakness admitting you need help. Actually, it’s a sign of strength. Mental illness doesn’t go away because we don’t acknowledge, the problem only grows and kills us one way or another.

By the way I was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago. I’m not weak. I am aware. I’m not defined by my depression because I have it, it doesn’t have me. Close down the shame and open up a dialogue. Don’t let another person die because people around them didn’t understand what they were going through.

Help is out there. National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
1-800-950-NAMI (6264)

Smiles don’t always come easy.  Many tell me I look sad or in deep thought most of the time. The truth is I’m happy and grateful. You see I wasn’t the one who was supposed to make it, but I did. So many events arose that should have taken me out, but because of God’s grace and mercy I’m still here.

Many can recount all the bad things I’ve endured and tell me I should be unhappy and angry, but I’m not because I’m still here. Everything I’ve been through were lessons I had to learn. I admit some I passed with flying colors, some I had to retake in order to pass and some I’m still retaking….. but no matter what I’m still here. I learned how to bob and weave, weave and bob and unfortunately, I still got hit hard by some of life’s lessons….but I’m still here.

There were times when I thought my foundation had crumbled and was destroyed, only to be reminded that my foundation was rock solid. The only thing that was really happening was my growth and transformation. There are times when I want to give up and a thought comes to mind…. “Hold on. You just slipped a little. Calm down and regain your footing. You’ll make it.” So I hold on.

Giving up and quitting is easy. Holding on, growth and transformation is hard. Hold on. Calm down. Readjust your thinking. Trust the process. Yes…. TRUST the process. Remember that you’re still here. Live. Love. Laugh.  And kick some butt when you regain your footing. It’s just a little life lesson happening to push you to the next level. Always remember you’re still here and you’re always moving on up.