Welcome to Urban Image Magazine

How not to marry a Jerk or Jerkette: Part 2

In the last article we discussed the five steps to knowing someone you will be able to weed out those who belong and who do not. This would take you into the relationship attachment model, which we are going to call RAM. In this process you will see how this person really fits into your life now that you know them.

First you have to know them as a person. If you have successfully moved through F.A.C.E.S then you know them. If any piece is missing then you have not been successful. Example, if you have never met his/her family, then you don’t know that person at all.  I have found that you never really know a person but you keep learning from and vice versa. This is a good thing because relationships are continuously growing and moving forward.

Second, can you now trust this person? Is he or she worthy of your trust?  There are two ways of giving your trust. One, you can give all your trust as a gift all at once and then once betrayed you take it all back from a person. Two, you give your trust a little bit at a time but once betrayed you take it all back all at once from a person. Which one are you?  With that trust you have to be able to allow them to be their person. Let them go out with friends without you sometimes. This is just fine. If you know them you can trust them.

Third, can you rely on this person? Ask yourself the following questions; can I depend on you to be there when I need you to listen? Did she/he ask me about my day and listened? This is from an emotional stand point but it also does include the financial. Can this person communicate with you when it comes to the bills?

Fourth, is this person willing to commit to me? Are they willing to go the distance with you? I know there are some people who wish to stay boyfriend and girlfriend and really don’t want to be married. They still have a level of commitment that they have and they are satisfied. Now if you wish to marry then this needs to be discussed not assumed by anyone. Each party should have stated their views by this point.

Lastly, the physical comes into play. Yes sex is last. I know you are saying why this is last. Well if you really want to be in a long term relationship you should not lead with your body. It can be moved but it should never be first before knowing someone. I will admit that I made these same mistake years ago, but as I got older I realized that I was going about things the wrong way.

Hopefully, there is something that someone can take away from this piece. I know I received some great information and saw how others have overcome obstacles. I want to thank Dr. Sebrina Cook-Davis for allowing me to sit in on her workshop. She works with the Family Life Counsel in Greensboro, NC. If you would like to get in contact with her please email me at [email protected].

�� Happy Shoe Tuesday!!!!!!!!!

I know, I know, I know, I have been gone for a couple of weeks. That doesn’t mean I haven’t been shoe shopping. Today’s shoe pick comes from my own closet AGAIN!!!!!!! I am rocking these to the office today. The good thing about my office is that we don’t have to dress up every single day. SO today I am wearing a tan peasant shirt with dark denim skinny jeans.

Now these shoes actually can be worn in the summer not just the fall. I have a tan dress that stops above my knees. These shoes are actually  very comfortable. Some may say that are a little tall but I am 5’1 nothing is too tall for me. I love these shoes but don’t wear them enough… Today they get all of my love.

I found these shoes at Ross for 18.99. Yes 18.99!!!! You all know I shop on a true budget.

So Happy SHOE TUESDAY!!!! My Curvy fashionsitas!!!!!!!

XOXOXOXOXO

E. Ahdai

Oh yes I am back and I have something to say. I have missed you my blog. Vacation took a lot out of me; I needed a vacation from my vacation. I am still single and ready to mingle. I have noticed so many of used to be single friends are getting married. Some for all the right reasons, while others are all wrong. Who am I to say anything if they are happy. But what do you say when your friend is marrying a JERK!!!!!!!!

Single and Ready to Mingle: How not to marry a Jerk/Jerkette?

What is a jerk? A jerk is selfish, manipulative man or woman who has
control issues. They often treat you as if you are nothing. Also when
it comes to others they have a lack of respect for their thoughts and
opinions. What they may say is perceived as their law. Do you know
someone like this? If so you probably chose to overlook it and see
pass the imperfection and/or tried to change it. Not many jerks can be
changed.
I sat in on a workshop discussing just this. Why did I take this
workshop? I am a single and never been married woman. I want to know
exactly what I am getting into before I actually do. You can actually
learn from others life experiences even going through your own life,
so that you also do not make the same bad decisions. The other women
and men in this workshop come from being married multiple times to
currently separated from their current spouse. The ages ranged from
29-55 for both men and women. Imagine being in your 50’s and just now
learning that you have married three jerks or jerkette. This is
something that people should have already learned at some point. So, I
am going outline this in a two part series.
When you are dating someone you are simply dating their
representative. The real person usually shows up years into the
marriage. This is what we don’t want to happen. Here is five ways to
know that you really know someone. The acronym is F.A.C.E.S.
F- Is for FAMILY: How much do you know about this person’s family.
Have you ever sat down and watched how they interact with their family
members? Do they have a family foundation that you want to be a part
of? Are their family values the same as yours?
A-is for ATTITUDE:  Are they responsible for their actions? When you
are having a conversation are they easily offended? Does this person
always have funkiness about them when they get around other people.
This person may not be a good people person and these tis into to
having good  relationship skills.
C-is for COMPATIBILTY : How much do you all have in common? Not just
in the bedroom but personality wise. Not saying you have all the same
interest but have some. I know people say that opposites attract but
opposites still have something in common.
E-is for EXAMPLE. Ask questions. What are some examples of past
relationship? Why did you divorce the first time? If you all were
together for so long why didn’t you marry?
S- Is for SKILLS. What type of relationship skills does she/he have?
How has their friendships worked out, can they be your best friend as
well.

Stay tuned for the next set out ways to determine if he or she is jerk…

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

E. Ahdai

If something happened in you relationship would you want to know or would you tell. Could what you have tell break their heart and will it break up your happy home. I sat down and seriously thought the question I asking. I want him to be honest and open with me. Give me the chance to make up my mind for myself. If I choose to stay that would be on me. Even if I didn’t want to know I always find out. Then comes the hurt of “why didn’t you tell me” or “I found out through social media”… That last on is the worst type of feeling. You think are so deep into someone and they are parading around someone on social media, but calling and texting someone else saying “I miss you” or “I want you”… (Screws up face) OH yes that happens. I can give you some names of some people, but I won’t do that…

So I asked my Facebook family as always. Question: Would you want to know if your mate cheated, or would you rather not know? The whole “what you don’t know won’t hurt you” situation…This is what they had to say….

Wax Lauren: “ Yes I want to know so we can break-up!”

Happy Dating!!!! OXOXOXOXO

E. Ahdai