I, nature, am easy going and pretty much what you see is what you get. I’m known to speak my mind and I expect those around me to do the same. I’m not going to always agree with my friends and I know they won’t  always agree with me. However, if we have a problem I fully expect us to talk about it. So when I realized one of my friends had been avoiding me and not speaking to me I asked why. The response I got was an eye roll and a shrug of the shoulders. I smiled and kept it moving because in that moment I realized that she and I were on different courses. I’m okay with that. My life has gone on, but apparently she has let me rent space in her head. That is why I wrote the following piece.

RENTING SPACE

I have no tolerance for stupidity.When stupidity comes too close to me I ignore it. When it speaks to me usually a look will make it go away. However, today stupidity tested me and I had to shut it down. It came in the form of a young boy who thought he was a man….I say young boy because he has a bit (a lot) of maturing to do before he even makes it to the rank of young man. Lord knows I tried to impart some of my experiences on him, but he wasn’t ready to hear and he just kept talking and talking. I tried so hard to be nice, but I failed. And you know what? I’m not upset about it at all.

The first stupid thing he said was “You’re light skinned and you need to stop buying into what society says and accept who you are.” I repeated this back to him just to make sure he knew what he had said and that I had heard him correctly. ::Crickets:: At this point his friend smiled at me and simply said  ”Do whatcha gotta do.” I broke it down to him as best I could. I let him know that I have no confusion about who I am. I accept my blackness with every fiber of my being. I know the sacrifices our people made and I give thanks every day. If I bought into what society said about the black female, then I would either be a raving lunatic or a scared, skittish insecure woman. I buy into the reality of the black woman….. loving, strong, intelligent and dignified. As for me being light skinned, it’s a truth, but only black Americans seem obsessed with skin complexion. Society doesn’t see us as shades of blackness. Society sees us as Black….. period! Shut yo ass up! 

The second stupid thing he said was “I know what you’re about. I know you better than you think.” All this came after he asked the lame question  of “What’s your sign?” I said Pisces, which for some reason made him think that he knew me. He said he was an Aries. (I really didn’t care.) So, before he could say something he couldn’t take back I read him. I told him he was arrogant, didn’t really care about the feelings of others, thought he was always right, thought he was irresistible and his way was always the right way. As for knowing me, he would never have a clue to who I am. As a Pisces no one really knows me, not even my closest friends. Whatever you think you know about me is what I’ve decided to let you know about me. And if he knew me as well as he thought, then he would have known my Dad was an Aries. Shut yo ass up! 

The third and final stupid thing to spew forth from his mouth was  ”Yo, you black women have it hard. I understand why so many of you are single. There’s like 20 women to every man. Y’all have to compete for a man. If you’re overweight, then you have to take what you can get.” At this point his friend looked at him and said “Man, you say some stupid shit!” The other females at the table were speechless and I asked him to repeat what he said. And he did. So once again I had to break it down to him. I let him know that the so called male shortage was something the media had basically created. In 2010 the Department of Education released documentation that there were 1.4 million black enrolled in college around 800.000 incarcerated. As for having to compete a man….. it’s not necessary. A real man doesn’t need or want women competing for his affection and attention. He chooses who he has a connection with not who looks good on his arm. And as for being overweight, all I can say is that it has never kept my phone from ringing or being in a meaningful, monogamous relationship. As for me, I’m single because I want to be and not because I have to be.  Think before you speak on something you don’t know. Shut yo ass up!

After this conversation, he got up and avoided me for the rest of the afternoon. I wouldn’t have minded his statements if  he presented his reasonings behind them, but he couldn’t. He just repeated what he had heard and had no true understanding of what he said. Opening a dialog is great and can be very rewarding. However, all involved must be willing to listen, learn and teach.

The “BREAK-UP” was easy because I was in shock. Blindsided is more like it.

After I somewhat recovered from the words “It’s not working.” I was in the throes of hurt. I literally felt my heart was shattered and I could feel the jagged edges travelling through my body. The hurt led to constant pain. The pain made me angry because he inflicted it. This pain was caused by him. The more I thought of him and the pain the more I became consumed with anger. I can honestly say that for a brief moment I hated him. Yes I hated him and everything he represented.

I spent hours, it seemed, wishing him harm. I wished he would get hit by a big ole truck. I wished he would choke on one of those damn cigars he pretended to smoke when he and the gents went out at night. I wished that someone would hurt him more than he had hurt me. The list of ill wishes went on and on, but I was still miserable. Then one morning a question popped into my head, “How would YOU want to be treated after YOU broke up with someone?” This question haunted me all day. That night I sat down to answer it.

Admitting the truth was difficult. In all honesty I didn’t hate him. I was hurt because I wasn’t the one he wanted to spend his life. The truth was he’s a wonderful man. The truth was I’m a wonderful woman. It just so happened we weren’t each other’s wonderful. In my heart I didn’t want any harm to come to him. So when I thought how I would want to be treated I changed how I thought about him.

Each morning when I pray I ask God to be with him. Protect him. Bless him. Help him do what is right. Each night I do the same thing. Some say I’m crazy and just trying to hold on to him, but I’m not. I love him and in doing so I can only wish him the best. I haven’t seen him in years, but I still pray for him. Love never goes away it just transforms.  All I can say is “Lord, please bless him.”

This topic is a little of topic about being single. This is about friendships; I mean true friendships. The ones where you don’t have to worry about someone tying to steal your man or even being jealous of you.

The way this topic came about my cousin Shane (who love to death) sent me a text saying “Hey can you please write a blog about friendship.” I quickly text back I sure can my boo.  She then begins to tell me “I don’t think people understand that meaning of it up north compared to down south there is a difference.” Now if you all have been reading my blog you all know I am from the south and I love being everything southern. The basic guide lines to be a friend should be naturally the same. Friendship is defined the state of being friends : the relationship between friends a friendly feeling or attitude : kindness or help given to someone. As you may see friendship is not a one sided thing. My cousin then said that the people she has met where she is lack loyalty and are all about self.

When I sit down and think about my friends they are a group of unique women. Some of our friendships  date back to elementary school. My best friend in the whole world name Manessa walked into my life in the 5th grade. I was the new girl and didn’t know anyone. She was one of the first people I met and until this day she has been there every step of the way. She was there for my first break up; she understood my reason for shedding my tears and loved me through it.  .Our friendship the way it is because we have always been honest with one another and we didn’t have to hold our tongues. She is the kick in my butt I need sometimes. She was right there holding my hand with Drexel and Renata when my daughter passed away. They got me through that horrible time in my life Then when I went off to college I met Drexel, Renata, and Sharon … These two crazies are my life lines and also my reality checks. They keep me humble and grounded.  Then you have Nikki, Shanna, and SaKoyra…these are boo(s) OMG do we have fun. They are my no judgment zone where I am wild, zany and crazy. With all of these women I can be ME!!!! They are the only ones who have seen me hurt, cry, mad, sad, happy and more. They  equally keep my heart humble. The major thing I want to point out is that NONE of US not ONE have ever fought about a MAN!

As always  it I took my Facebook so that they can also weigh in on the topic. Here is what they had to say:

Deep Voice Taurus: “Honestly, loyalty, and most of all being supportive towards each other.”

Angela Williams (Blogger with Urban Image) :  ”That unbreakable bond that holds you together even when one of you is going through a rough time and has become antisocial. Be able to give space, love and understanding and a forgiving heart.”

Licia L Johnson:”It means there should be no jealousies or insecurities between them, and if there is be honest  for once!”

Nigary Rma Thompson: “The bond between people who are loving, caring and fond of each other in such a way that when one hurts so does the other. They are each other’s supports systems. The thick and thin bond that usually cannot be broken.”

At the end of the day friendships are bounds that cannot be broken over petty things; especially the true ones.

As I continued to write this I realized relationships and friendships go hand in hand with one another. I need for my mate to be my friend and my love. I need that honesty, loyalty and support of a friend from him as well.

Thank you for stopping by today!!!! Happy Dating!!!!

XOXOXOX

E. Ahdai

The list of mental illnesses is so very long. ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Insomnia, PTSD, Panic Disorder and Schizophrenia are just a few on that list. We as a people have always treated mental illness as something to be ashamed of and hidden. There was a time when we locked our family members in a room  and isolated them in an attempt to keep people away from them and hid our secret shame. They were labelled as weird, strange, crazy, not right in the head, evil and monstrous. Some were locked away in asylums or institutions because it was for the best interest of everyone. Unfortunately, they were often forgotten and lived life away from loved ones. The issues were never diagnosed nor were they discussed.

In recent events mental health issues have found their way to the spotlight. More importantly, mental health issues in the black community have their way to the spotlight. Yet, all we’re doing is shying away from the topic instead of opening up a constructive dialog. Why are we so ashamed to discuss this? Why don’t we seek help for this? Why do we see it as a major sign of weakness to admit we suffer from mental illness? It’s time to stop treating mental illness as a dirty secret and put it out in the open so it can be treated.

I know some are shaking their heads and thinking “that’s a private matter”. That’s our problem…..it’s so private that we don’t get proper help. Let the pride go and get help. It’s not a sign of weakness admitting you need help. Actually, it’s a sign of strength. Mental illness doesn’t go away because we don’t acknowledge, the problem only grows and kills us one way or another.

By the way I was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago. I’m not weak. I am aware. I’m not defined by my depression because I have it, it doesn’t have me. Close down the shame and open up a dialogue. Don’t let another person die because people around them didn’t understand what they were going through.

Help is out there. National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
1-800-950-NAMI (6264)