Archive for 2011
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I am not sure what to do. I have been seeing a man that was married to an old co-worker of mine for the last few months. She and I were not best friends but we did socialize off and on, and I was a guest in her home a time or two. He keeps telling me that he wants to be more than just friends. I try to explain to him how this would look to others, but he doesn’t seem to care. I have noticed lately that he has wanted to spend all of his free time with me. I work forty hours a week and have a child; so my free time is limited. He constantly asks me if there is someone else I am seeing. I did let him know that I had another guy that was interested, but we are just friends like I am trying to be with him. He got upset with me and didn’t speak to me for days. I was honest but got the silent treatment; that left me confused. When we did speak I asked him why he tries to take all of my free time. He has told me the reason he does this is to keep me focused on him; that way I wouldn’t want any other man. We also constantly talk through text message, as well as phone calls; all day long. When we don’t talk he questions why haven’t we spoken? I try to tell him that I need a little space but he comes at me harder.
On a daily basis he asks me if I need anything. I always tell him no but I always manage to have an envelope on my car in the morning when I leave for work. In the last two weeks I have counted three hundred and fifty dollars and that doesn’t include the items that he has purchased. The question of sex has come up, but I dodge it. I only really want to be his friend. When I say this he always comes back to “friends with benefits”. My mind travels to thinking he is doing all of this just to sleep with me. I really do like him and I just really want to take it slow. I also feel like I am not suppose to go any further due to I know his ex-wife. Please help me out Emiaj!
“Stuck in between”
Dear Stuck in between,
This is a very tricky situation, because you have to pick in between your loyalty and your happiness. You said that you and his ex-wife use to socialize with one another, and you had been to their home. I would not go any further with him, from just knowing that. Look at it like this if you were to go further with him and they have kids together then you and her will have to co-exist with one another. Let’s adventure into her mind when she sees you for the first time with him. “Wait, I know her… I use to work with her… That is his new girlfriend… Hold up, she use to come over my house…” She is having this conversation in her head the entire time of you are speaking and saying your hellos. She is going to question what your motive was when you all use to hang out. She is going to want to know if you were looking at him then. That creates unnecessary drama. Who wants to deal with that type of mess? You are a woman you know how women think. Yes they are divorced but you knew them both while they were still married. It has already crossed your mind what others would think; so you already know your answer to that.
I am so glad you have not had sex with this man. He does not understand that you only want his friendship; nothing more, nothing less. He wants your “cookie” because he feels like he has already paid for it by now with the money and the gifts. If you still have the money I would give it back to him. You are not a prostitute and you do not sale “cookies” for a living. I am sorry you can’t buy affection from someone. I also like that you are honest with him, but he doesn’t seem like the strong type that can take a woman knowing what she does and doesn’t want. He might be use to women bending to him. I suggest to you to keep your options open. This is not the man for you. He lacks patience, and understanding. He seems to me to be looking for a cookie jar to put money down for and take out whatever he wants when he wants. That is not a healthy situation at all. It has a recipe to it that comes out “stalker”. Reason being he will begin to think he owns you. You will not be able to go and do as you please. You might be out one night with your girls and all of a sudden he pops up; you didn’t even tell him where you were going. You met is representative when he was married to your ex-coworker. You are getting his real person now. Sit back and think did she ever say something to you that made you think he was a bit clingy. I suggest you hand him his walking papers and keep it moving. Go out and date a man who wants to have your friendship first. That man will understand the things that you are looking for out of life.
Categorized as Blog Topics, Dating & Relationships
At the beginning of each month I am going to give men a chance to ask me any question that they may have when it comes to the opposite sex. A lot of men don’t generally write into a blog ran by a woman. They will more likely ask another man about a woman. Why won’t a man go to the source of their questions; Women. There are a few men who have asked me questions that they seriously wanted an answer to. I promised I would answer them open and honestly. Now, Ladies this is not a session of telling men about our secret girl talks. This is just giving men an understanding of how women think.
Question: Why do women claim to want a good man but when they get one you can’t let go of the one that treats you like crap?
Answer: I believe that a lot of women do want a good man. The type of man who a woman can come home to and know that if he gets home first a meal has been started. I am not going to say this is a fantasy because it can really happen. I am going to tell you from my stand point of dating. Women tend to find a lot more bad relationships than good ones when out here dating. It does make it harder for us to determine who is a good man. We have to go through men that don’t keep it real with us. There are some men who let their representatives stay around the entire time of the relationship, instead of giving us their real person. Believe it or not women do like for men to tell us the truth and not just what you think we want to hear.
When a good man does come about he has to know what that woman has been through to get to him. We do recognize good men but it seems too good to be true at first. It’s like we are waiting for you to mess up like the last. I believe that it is our own insecurity that triggers this. We go through moments where we feel like we are not good enough, or don’t deserve such a good man. I have a question for men; do you know how hard it is to bounce back from being in a bad relationship? This is a very difficult thing to do. If you meet us in the next 6 months after that bad relationship; a lot of times we really haven’t got over it yet. I would tell you to be patient with us. Show us what a good man is like; be a great friend to us. Don’t pressure us into what you want to happen from the relationship, because we will fight you tooth and nail to the end. In the long run you will find that we see you as more than a want in our life, you become a need.
Women do not like to be treated like crap, just like men don’t like to be treated like crap. If you give us the time that you think we need I am sure we will come around. If a woman continues to treat you badly I suggest that you find another woman that deserves you. Realistically she just might not be the woman you need in your life.
Categorized as Blog Topics, Dating & Relationships
Dear Emiaj, (part3)
Now Emiaj, it has been three years since I have been in an actual relationship. That has been by choice. I have been through so much that I have a very low tolerance for the things I am going through now. People have often said that I am too head-strong. Is this true? I don’t accept excuses for not living up to my expectations. I have a very hard time letting my guard down, but with guy I was able to. To be honest I was scared of running him away with my mess than him running around on me. I have been married twice and divorced twice. I know I have trust issues.
He has been begging me by text message, saying things such as he misses me and that he loves me. I don’t believe him at all because he told me that he has said the same things to women before me. The only reason he said them were because that is what they wanted to hear. This is making me think that he is only saying them to me for the same reason. My friends recently saw him out and he asked them where I was. He even tried to make me out to be the bad person to them by saying I left him lonely. The funny thing is that his friends are still in his ear. Even when we were together he would tell them he was not pressed about me but whenever he wasn’t around them it was “I miss you”. It’s like he was always fronting on me. I also let him know I was unhappy and he has now asked me what make me happy.
Emiaj, should I give him another chance? I really want to be in a relationship. I feel like he could be the one. I am only hurt because it took three years for me to get to this point and all of this happens.
I am going to be completely honest with you. It sounds like you have some things that you need to work on before you get into a full relationship with someone. The fact that you have been married twice and divorced twice shows me that. You stated that you haven’t been in a relationship in over three year, then all of sudden you are ready for one. My question to you is, over the last three years what have you done to prepare yourself for the dating world? Just from reading your letter I don’t get that you are ready. Having trust issues are the hardest ones to deal with. You always think someone is lying when they are trying to be genuine. I suggest you don’t give them all of your trust all at once. It is alright to give it in pieces. That way when it is betrayed you don’t feel so much hurt. It is alright to be head-strong as well as have your guard up; it will help you out in the long run. Men will see that you are about your business and not to be ran over.
Now with this young man, look at your statement “I don’t believe him at all because he told me that he has said the same things to women before me. The only reason he said them were because that is what they wanted to hear.” You know just as well as I know, that he meant just what he said. All that “I love you” and “I miss you” is just to get back in you good graces so that he can continue to take advantage. Please do not fall for this. He is even smart enough to try to get your friends to feel sorry for him, so they will talk you into being with him.
As for giving him another chance, that is up to you. I will say this is not the time to do so. He needs to mirror you in your goals. First, he needs to find a job and stop acting as if there is nothing out there for him. There are plenty of companies’ especially small ones who will give someone a chance. I suggest you try to date yourself for a while and learn about yourself more. Do things that you like to do, even invite one of your single girlfriends along. Treat yourselves to the dinner and a movie, bowling nights, etc… When ever you are in a public places with your girlfriends’ majority of the time there are single men out as well. Spark up a conversation, even demonstrate some healthy competition. In the process you and your friends might get a free meal or even a couple of free bowling games, and even walk away with a new number. If you do that there are some things I want you to try.
Now this time period should be about ninety days to six months. You should become friends with the man that you are interested in. I am firm believer in being friends first. During this time you should be getting to know everything from his likes to his dislikes, what he does for a living, does he have kids, etc…There is no sex in this stage. Sex clouds the mind every time. So that is why there is no sex. Going through this process helps you determine if you really like him and willing to work on something more with him. I will tell you it works because it helps you learn how to trust people and see who’s genuine or not. If you go through the nonsense like you are now in the first month. You can walk away and lose nothing.
I hope that you have gained something from what I have said here. Good luck to you on your journey. Let me know how this turns out for you.
Categorized as Blog Topics, Dating & Relationships
Dear Emiaj (part 2),
When he and I are together it seems as if his friends are always calling him. I don’t have a problem with them calling. It is more of the conversations they are having. When they call it is late at night, like around two or three in the morning. They end up asking him why he didn’t come to the club. They also tell him about all the fine females there were there. I feel like this is very disrespectful to me because I am supposed to be his girl. Not once has he ever said “Man that is cool but you know I have a girl”. We were supposed to spend new years together. He even went as far finding a ride to where I was going to be. Needless to say he never showed up and I spent new years alone. I ended up just going to bed mad. Then come to find out he was out getting high with his friends.
I allowed him to use my computer. He logged into his Facebook page and forgot to log out. When I went to long into mine all of his information was still there. I saw that he had been having conversation with a young girl (high school age). He was going on and on about how his birthday was coming up and he was having a party and she and her friends were invited. I found this to be down right disrespectful. I called him and let him know exactly how I felt about the entire situation, and basically we were done…
Dear Confused, (part 2)
Let me ask you a question then I want you to sit back and think about your answer. Do you think he has even told his friends that he is in a relationship with you? Most men if they are really into you, they will let their homeboys know. “I am with my girl right now, and I am not interested in that right now.” Now when he is away from you, men talk just like women talk so they are going to have that conversation. Always expect them to be men around other men, and that is fine because it natural. You can also look at it like this. His friends are use to him being single and doing single man things and they have not adjusted to the thought yet. Keep in the back of your mind misery loves company. If those guys are unhappy with their own situation they want him to join in on it to. As for New Years, that is not unacceptable. You were better off calling a friend and going out. Never have just one set of plan always have a back up plan, for this exact reason. It is not healthy going to sleep mad. My suggestion to you when you are so mad that you feel like you can spit nails, do so. What I mean by that is; go on and get that off your chest. You are sitting over there mad about what he has done and he doesn’t even know you are mad. He probably doesn’t even care if you are sitting there by yourself.
I love it when people come to me and say “Facebook broke up my relationship.” No, Facebook did not break up your relationship; the person you are with broke it up. I am more concerned with the fact that he is talking to young girls who are still in high school. How old is he? You are right if he is in your home on your computer communicating with random females that is very disrespectful. You have to draw the line some where. How did he respond to this? Did he give you some excuse like “I know her brother” or “I went to school with her” those are always my favorite two. I am glad you were able to get that off your chest right then and there. I had to laugh out loud because I just told you to start getting things off your chest and don’t go to sleep mad… (PAUSE)
Categorized as Blog Topics, Dating & Relationships